Are You Surviving or Thriving?

In University, I was taught that Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a treasure map for the human mind. If you aren’t familiar with the hierarchy of needs, I’ll post a graphic here.

Actualization is taught as the destination, but I disagree. I think actualization is where the story begins. Yes, The needs building up to actualization are the baseline ingredients we need to keep our bodies and minds functioning, but staying alive is not the same as living.

If a tree is meant to make apples, but makes no apples, something is wrong. The tree can be alive without doing what its made to do- produce fruit.

The Tree that Lost its Apple-ness

If I am an apple tree farmer and my trees aren’t producing this year, I'm not going to pretend it is fine. I'm going to assess the conditions of the environment.

Are they getting enough sunlight, enough water? What nutrients do they need? Are bugs affecting the plants? Are the weather conditions too harsh?

As the keeper of trees, I am not going to settle for trees that are alive with no fruit. It will be my mission to address the condition of these trees to help them make apples again.

Why?

Because they are apple trees.

This is what they are made to do.

If the apple tree loses its apple-ness, it has lost its purpose. That is what I see inside of so many lives today. We are trees with no fruit. People without purpose.

What Happened to Our Fruit?

We look at humans who are “going through the motions” and we say its normal. We tame our authentic reactions, emotions, and zeal towards life because that’s what mature people do.

We work because we need to pay bills. We follow rules because that’s what is expected. We quiet our voices because it’s comfortable. We suppress our emotions so we can stay in control. We put our dreams to death because they’re not realistic…

Where does this come from? A process called socialization.

Social Rules Become the Inner Critic

Humans are an interdependent species: pack animals. In order to stay in the pack, we learn the pack rules. What is normal, what is acceptable, what is prized, and what is hated. These rules become our internal voice. Some might call it the inner-critic.

When we behave in a way that disagrees with our original pack- the inner critic steps in and guides us to stay on track with the pack. This is what helps us survive in our early years. But survival can come at a cost. And not all of our social rules are in the best interest of the individual.

The Cost We’ve Never Counted

Humans have intrinsic personality traits. Some are more expressive, some are musical, some are thinkers, some are funny... These are qualities, unique to the person, that guide us towards a meaningful and purposeful life. If we were apple trees- these intrinsic traits are flowers that will become fruit if pollinated.

When a child is born into a family that doesn’t value their unique traits, the child will reject that piece of themselves in order to accommodate the pack. It would be as if the tree closed off all of its buds to protect the flowers.

Let me share an example to make this concrete:

Jenny is a young girl. One of her traits is to speak her mind. She can’t help but have strong opinions and express her emotions. Jenny’s mom is offended by her behavior and becomes harsh, angry, and withdraws affection when Jenny exercises her voice. After repeating this pattern many times, Jenny learns that love gets removed when she speaks her mind. She stuffs this piece of herself away so she can stay in good graces with her family.

We have been required to reject, deny, and disown intrinsic parts of ourselves to secure safety. In the early years, relationship with our caregivers is most important because our developing brains are not ready to advocate for our own needs.

Just as an apple tree hits a point of maturity when it must bear fruit, so do humans. Teen years hit and autonomy becomes much more important than the original caregiving relationships. The need to produce something of value becomes the new driver. This is so we can contribute to a group as a young adult. We are ready to make apples.

If the intrinsic traits are stuffed away, our flowers are closed off so they cannot pollinate and become the valuable fruit we need to give away. How can we open our flowers again?

Making Apples

In my post, “Your Emotional Bank Account” I discuss A stresses- these are the absence of the things we really needed to thrive. I believe our answer lies in discovering what needs were missing and finding a way to meet those needs. This will give the flowers permission to bloom and open back up, ready to be pollinated.

From Jenny’s situation, here are a list of things she really needed to thrive.

·       Acceptance of her expressive nature

·       Acknowledging that her expression is a gift

·       Coaching and training on how to express her voice well

·       Permission to learn how to use her voice and make mistakes without being shamed

·       Encouragement and Championing to use her voice in meaningful ways

It's not too late for Jenny to recover her voice, learn how to express herself again, and meet all of the needs listed above. But I need to stress this: learning to uncover her voice isn’t the end game, it is only the beginning. Discovering her voice is like allowing the flowers to bloom so they can become fruit. Actualization is the conception of the fruit. After will come a long process of growing, harvesting, and generously offering the fruit as a gift.

Once Jenny uncovers her voice, she will be available to cultivate the gift outward. Perhaps she can become an activist, a thought leader, podcaster, or artist. Fine tuning and directing those gifts is a part of the journey, but she could never dream of doing any of those things if her intrinsic drive to express herself was still tucked away.  

Actualization is not the end game, it’s only the beginning.