Meet the Version of You That Doesn't Self-Sabotage

How nervous system science explains why we quit our goals, and what to do about it

New Year's resolutions are coming. And if you're like 85% of people, you're about to set a financial or wellness goal. But here's the uncomfortable truth: 90% of those goals will be abandoned within three weeks.

Not because you're lazy. Not because you lack willpower. But because your nervous system has already decided that reaching your goal is more threatening than staying exactly where you are.

In this article, I'm going to show you why this happens, and introduce you to a powerful nervous system practice that will help you actually stick with the changes you want to make.

OR Watch the video instead here.

Why Your Nervous System Sabotages Your Goals

Here's what most people don't understand about behavior change: changing your life registers as a threat to your nervous system.

Your nervous system has a set point of what feels like "home"what I call your homestate. This is a unique pattern of emotions, sensations, thoughts, and even chemical rhythms that have become your baseline in life. Your nervous system clings to this pattern as a map of how things "should be."

So when you decide to make a change, even if that change is objectively better for you, your nervous system will still sign

al that change as a threat. And it will work against you until you restore back to the homestate you're familiar with.

The Foster Child Study: A Powerful Example

There's a compelling anecdotal study that illustrates this perfectly. Researchers followed a foster child who experienced horrific conditions in her original home. They had her wear a heart monitor over time as she moved through different foster placements.

Here's what they discovered: Every time her nervous system reached a certain level of calm, she would spontaneously throw a fit, bringing her biological rhythms back up to the elevated stress level she was used to.

On the surface, this looked like a child with extreme emotional and behavioral difficulties. But from a nervous system perspective, this was a girl who didn't know how to tolerate an environment that wasn't abusive. She recreated the feelings that felt normal for her, even though they weren't better.

Your Nervous System Picks Familiarity Over Improvement

Here's the hard truth: Your nervous system doesn't care what's objectively better for you. It will always pick a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

Think about it:

• Your current job might be making you miserable, but the fact that you've tolerated it this long tells me something about this situation feels like "home" to you

• That toxic relationship pattern keeps repeating because chaos feels more familiar than stability

• You keep returning to old habits because even though they don't serve you, they feel safe

If the new, better option truly felt safe to your nervous system, you wouldn't struggle to choose it.

The Upper Limit Problem: Your Internal Thermostat for Goodness

Gay Hendricks coined the term "upper limit problem" to describe this phenomenon. He discovered that we are trained (usually in childhood) to tolerate only a certain amount of goodness.

We have an internal thermostat for how much success, love, abundance, and peace we can handle before it starts to feel like danger.

How the Upper Limit Shows Up

When you start approaching the threshold of unfamiliarity (even if it's good unfamiliarity), your nervous system registers that change as a threat and throws on the brakes.

And in comes the self-sabotage:

• You revert to old patterns

• You pick up old vices

• You abandon the habits you spent weeks or months trying to build

• You start fights with people you love

• You procrastinate on the thing you said was important

• You convince yourself you don't actually want it anymore

  
  

Real-Life Examples of Upper Limit Problems

The health journey sabotage: Someone starts eating healthier, loses 20 pounds, feels amazing and then suddenly they're ordering takeout every night and stopped going to the gym.

The relationship pattern: Your friend finally starts dating an emotionally healthy person after years of toxic relationships, and they ghost them because "they're too boring." Translation: They're not boring; your friend is addicted to the cycle of enmeshment and abandonment. A steady partner feels underwhelming because chaos is their homestate.

The career self-sabotage: Someone gets the promotion they've been working toward, and within weeks they're showing up late, making careless mistakes, almost like they're trying to get demoted.

This isn't weakness. This is your nervous system doing exactly what it was trained to do: keep you in the familiar zone, even when the familiar zone is painful.

Why Identity Shifts Matter More Than Willpower

So what separates the people who actually stick with their goals from the people who quit in three weeks?

The people who actually change don't just change their behavior. They change from the inside out.

An identity shift is necessary to perceive the goal as a non-threat. They have to access a version of themselves that isn't afraid of living where they're trying to go.

The Identity-Behavior Connection

Here's the thing: If you still believe that "wealthy people are selfish and arrogant," you can set all the financial goals you want. But when it comes time to actually making that money or selling your product, your nervous system is going to say: "I don't want to be selfish and arrogant. I can't sell this—it will make me a bad person. This behavior doesn't match who I am."

And then your mind will play tricks on you and pull you back into old habits.

Be, Then Do (Not Do, Then Be)

The goal isn't just to DO different things. The goal is to align with a different version of yourself, to shift your identity so that the new behavior feels congruent with who you are.

This is why affirmations and vision boards alone don't work. You're trying to paper over a nervous system that fundamentally believes the goal is unsafe.

You need to teach your nervous system that the version of you who achieves this goal is safe to be.

Resourcing: A Nervous System Practice for Sustainable Change

Let me introduce you to a powerful nervous system regulation tool called resourcing.

Resourcing is the practice of recalling a specific memory where you felt calm, open, adventurous, and free, a moment where you felt like yourself in the best possible way.

How Resourcing Works

This isn't just thinking about a pleasant memory. You're engaging all your senses to fully recall the experience:

Visual: What did you see? What colors were around you?

Auditory: What did you hear? Were there voices, music, nature sounds?

Physical: What was the temperature? Was it warm, cold, breezy?

Emotional: What emotions were you feeling? Lightness? Openness? Expansiveness?

Somatic: What body sensations did you have? Warmth in your chest? Relaxed shoulders? Deep, rhythmic breathing?

The Power of Pairing Peace with Goals

Here's where the magic happens: You sit in that peaceful memory. You let yourself actually feel what it felt like to be at peace. You don't rush it, you give yourself 5-10 minutes to really drop into that state.

And then, once you're there, you make your goal-aligned action from that place.

You're pairing the feeling of safety and peace with the image or action of your goal. You're holding both at the same time.

How to Use Resourcing with Your Goals

Let's make this practical with an example.

Example: Starting Your Own Business

Let's say your goal is to leave your job and start your own business. Every time you sit down to make plans for your business, your chest tightens, your breath gets shallow, you feel a wave of panic.

Here's how to use resourcing:

1. Set aside 10 minutes before working on your business plan

2. Drop into your resource memory

   • Maybe it's that time you were hiking in the mountains

   • Recall the crisp air, the sound of birds, the feeling of sun on your face

   • Remember the sense of capability, peace, openness you felt

   • Let yourself fully inhabit that state

3. While still feeling that calm, gently bring in the image of yourself running your own business

   • Don't force positivity

   • Just hold the peaceful state alongside the goal

   • Notice you can think about your business without going into panic

4. Make one small action from this state

   • Draft that email

   • Research that website platform

   • Make that phone call

   • Do it while still connected to the resource memory

What Resourcing Does to Your Nervous System

This practice starts to untrain the fear response in your nervous system.

Your nervous system begins to learn: "I can make money. I can sell things. I can run my own business. And I can feel a sense of safety while I'm doing it."

You're not forcing yourself to feel positive about it. You're simply showing your nervous system that it's possible to entertain the goal without going into survival mode.

And the more you do this, the more your nervous system stops associating the goal with unfamiliar danger.

It becomes less threatening. It becomes more familiar. And when something feels familiar to your nervous system, it's more capable of sustaining the change over time.

Meeting the Fearless Version of You

What you're really doing through this practice is accessing the version of yourself that isn't afraid, and inviting that part of you to take up more space.

This version already exists underneath all of the conditioning and survival strategies. You're not trying to become someone new. You're removing the layers of protection that are keeping you from living as your fullest self.

The More You Practice, The More You Embody

The more you practice being that person now, in small ways, in safe ways, the more your nervous system will let you live there.

This isn't about:

• Pushing through fear

• White-knuckling your way to success

• Forcing yourself to stay uncomfortable

This is about:

• Teaching your nervous system that change is safe

• Building a new homestate

• Expanding your window of tolerance for goodness

And I really believe you can get there. But it starts with teaching your nervous system that it's safe to try.

Final Thoughts: The Identity Shift That Changes Everything

As we head into a new year, remember this:

The version of you that achieves your goals isn't some distant, unreachable person. They're already inside you, waiting to be accessed.

Your nervous system just needs to learn that it's safe to let them out.

Resourcing is one of the most powerful tools I know for making that happen. It's simple. It's somatic. And it works because it speaks the language your nervous system understands: sensation, memory, and safety.

So before you set those New Year's resolutions, ask yourself: Have I met the version of me that doesn't self-sabotage? Have I taught my nervous system that achieving this goal is safe?

If not, start there. Start with resourcing. Start with teaching your body that the life you're trying to build isn't a threat.

Because you deserve to live as the fullest, most fearless version of yourself. And your nervous system, with the right tools, will let you get there.

Work With Me

If this resonates with you and you want support regulating your nervous system and living out your purpose, I'd love to work with you.

Ways to connect:

• Join my weekly email community - Free nervous system tools and insights delivered to your inbox

• Take the Skills for Resilience Assessment - Discover which foundational skills you're missing

• Explore 1:1 Coaching Options - From 2-week intensives to 6-month deep healing containers

Keep learning. Keep showing your nervous system that it can live with freedom and fullness.

About the Author: Brooke Shoup is a life coach specializing in nervous system regulation, trauma recovery, and purpose discovery. She helps people access their fullest selves by combining nervous system science, somatic practices, and spiritual growth. Through her "Skills for Resilience" framework, she teaches the 8 developmental skills most people are missing, helping them move from survival mode to purposeful living.