Qualities of Joyful Relationships

Moving through life with strained relationships can feel like trying to drive with paint splattered all over the windshield. Replaying of situations, feeling unheard, frustrated, or flat out hurt can cloud vision and focus.

Attachment theory shows us our earliest relationships set the standard for how we expect to relate to others and the world around us. This means we will unconsciously seek out people and situations that repeat the normal we are used to. If we want to transform our relationships, it is necessary to set a new standard.

In John Bradshaw's book, "All in the Family" he provides a list of qualities that support healthy relationship. This was a game-changer for helping me identify some of the good things I was missing in my relationships and showed me a pathway forward. I’m sharing it in hopes it will help you too!

Experiences of Delight

We can't have a conversation about joy without delight. The foundation of a joyful relationship is ultimately delight in being with the other person. You light up when you think about them and they do the same for you. You have common grounds and bring good things out of one another. If the overall feelings about the relationship are angry, sad, critical, or resentful, take courage that you can change the dynamic of the relationship by changing the way you show up to it. A great place to start is a commitment to finding the good things about the other person and speaking them out-loud.

Personal Responsibility

• Individual adults will take responsibility for their own wounds, feelings, behavior, and happiness. Without individual responsibility for those things, control, manipulation, and enmeshment become the unspoken rules for the relationship.

• Adults are emotionally healthy enough to support themselves and their peer. Many relationships are co-dependent. The effect on the relationship is that one person chronically under functions and the other chronically over functions, creating imbalanced power dynamics.

• Adults are dedicated to telling the truth and being honest with one another. A relationship cannot be healthy if it is not based in reality.

Shared Values

Adults are surrendered to a common set of values. These function as guideposts to decision making that keep individuals on the same page. When relationships grow apart, it can often be attributed to realizing value differences.

Honor Personal Freedoms

• The freedom to perceive what is here and now rather than what was, will, or should be.

• The freedom to think what one thinks rather than what one should think.

• The freedom to feel what one feels, rather than what one should feel.

• The freedom to ask for what one needs instead of waiting for permission.

• The freedom to take risks on ones own behalf instead of always choosing safety and security.

  
  

  A healthy relationship will seek to honor differences and promote linkages. This means each individual can make decisions for themselves without being guilted, shamed, bullied, cut off, or retaliated against for exercising individuality.

  
  

Mature Communication

Healthy relationships are able to work through differences by communicating with clarity and listening with empathy. Qualities of mature communication include being solution focused, self-aware, and listening well.

• Solution focused:

  • means being self-responsible instead of blaming.

  • Focused on the present problem instead of bringing up other problems from the past or multiple problems at once.

  • Assertive (self-valuing) over aggressive (steamrolling)

• Self-Awareness:

  • Tones and words

  • Am I regulated?

  • Am I trying to connect or trying to win?

  • How does my behavior affect the other person?

  • Do I need a break?

• Listening Well

  • Hearing what the person said instead of making assumptions.

  • Repeating what you heard back to the other person.

  • Summarizing what you understand.

  • Validating the other person's point of view before moving on to your own.

    
    

Needs are Reasonably Met

• Is each individual receiving appropriate attention, affection, and quality time for the relationship?

• Does each individual feel powerful, supported, and listened to?

• Does each individual have a base level of respect and value for their perspective, experience, thoughts, feelings, and point of view?

• Permission for well-rounded experiences. Time for friends, time for spouses, time for kids, time alone, time for self-care, etc.

Accountability

• Do the individuals do what they say they will do?

• When the relationship is broken, is repair made or are problems swept under the rug?

• Do both individuals have permission to identify problems and have their concerns taken seriously without fear of retaliation?

• Are standards the same for everyone?

Mistakes as Learning Tools

I've seen so many people wounded over poor responses to mistakes. Everyone makes them, but a healthy shared understanding for mistakes will make all of the difference to joy in a relationship.

• Mistakes are make is human.

• Mistakes help us learn.

• Mistakes have natural consequences to repair.

• Mistakes are not shamed.

Discussion:

Tools like this have helped change the game for me in terms of shifting how I show up to life. What joyful qualities are you already good at in relationship? Which qualities do you want to see more?