Why You Can't Calm Down: The Real Reason You're Always Anxious (+ 3 Science-Backed Solutions)
- Brooke Shoup
- 5 days ago
- 6 min read
Do you feel like you can't turn off—even when you desperately want to?
You finally sit down to relax, but instead of feeling peaceful, you feel restless. Guilty. Like you should be doing something productive.
Your mind races. Your body won't settle. There's this constant buzzing inside that never stops.
You've tried meditation (your mind won't turn off). You've tried exercise (it helps, but only temporarily). You've even tried therapy (insightful, but you still feel this way every day).
And you keep wondering: "What's wrong with me? Why can't I just calm down like a normal person?"
Here's what I need you to know: There's nothing wrong with you.
Your nervous system is stuck in survival mode—and in this video and post, I'm going to show you exactly why this happens and what you can actually do about it.
Do you feel like you can't turn off,even when you desperately want to?
You finally sit down to relax, but instead of feeling peaceful, you feel restless. Guilty. Like you should be doing something productive.
Your mind races. Your body won't settle. There's this constant buzzing inside that never stops.
You've tried meditation, but your mind won't turn off. You've even tried therapy, but you still feel this way every day.
And you keep wondering: "What's wrong with me? Why can't I just calm down like a normal person?"
Here's what I need you to know: There's nothing wrong with you.
Your nervous system is stuck in survival mode and in this post, I'm going to show you exactly why this happens and what you can actually do about it.
What It Really Means When You "Can't Calm Down"
When you can't relax, it's not a character flaw. It's not laziness. It's not because you're "too anxious" or "too sensitive."
It's because your body is in a constant stress response.
Your nervous system is stuck in what we call "survival mode" or the sympathetic nervous system state. And when you're in survival mode, rest isn't just difficult. It's chemically incompatible with what's happening in your body.
Let me explain the three main reasons this happens and what you can do about it.
Reason #1: The Cortisol Trap
When you can't calm down, your body is pumping cortisol (your primary stress hormone) through your bloodstream.
Cortisol triggers your "fight or flight" response. It:
Sends glucose to your muscles (preparing you to move or fight)
Activates your threat detection centers in the brain
Keeps you scanning for what's wrong or what could go wrong
Makes rest feel physically unsafe
Think of it this way: Imagine trying to run a marathon with a broken leg. Your body would scream at you to stop because it's dangerous.
That's what rest feels like when cortisol is flooding your system. It feels wrong. It feels unsafe. Because your body is literally telling you: "Move or die."
Why Traditional Advice Doesn't Work
This is why you can't "logic" yourself into relaxation. You can't think your way out of a stress response. Your nervous system doesn't speak in words or affirmations. It speaks in sensations, safety cues, and felt experiences. Disarming the stress response requires sending your body the signal that it's safe in a language it actually understands.
Reason #2: The Empty Tank Problem
Why You Can't Run on Empty
Here's a hard truth: You can't run a car without gas.
When you constantly give to others without refilling your own tank, your nervous system goes into burnout.
Burnout looks like:
Irritability and resentment toward people you love
Constant exhaustion or getting sick frequently
Not wanting to get out of bed in the morning
Becoming someone you don't recognize anymore
Low tolerance for normal life stress
The Backwards Belief That's Keeping You Stuck
So many of us believe we have to meet everyone else's needs first in order to deserve having our own needs met.
But that's not how it works.First, we can't control whether other people will meet our needs. Waiting for permission or validation from others is a losing game.
If you receive first, then you'll have something to give.
Think about the airplane oxygen mask analogy. You put yours on first, not because you're selfish, but because if you pass out, you can't help anyone else.
When you're running on empty, everyone around you gets the worst version of you. When you fill your own tank, you show up better for everyone.
Reason #3: The Authenticity Crisis
You might be living a life that's not true to your authentic self. This creates enormous stress in the body.
From childhood, we learn to adapt. We take on our family's expectations, society's rules, cultural norms. We learn what's acceptable and what gets us in trouble.
These adaptations serve a survival purpose when we're young. Fitting in with the group literally equals survival to a child's brain.
But at some point (often in our 30s and 40s) our soul starts trying to remind us of who we really are. And suppressing that truth takes an enormous amount of energy.
Your Body Is Trying to Tell You Something
That constant pressure you feel? The inability to relax? It might not just be about doing too much.
It might be your body telling you: The life you're living is not the life you're meant to live.
The burnout, the overwhelm, the feeling that something's "off"are signals pointing you toward where you've abandoned yourself.
3 Practical Tools to Finally Calm Down
Now that you understand why you can't calm down, let's talk about what actually works.
Tool #1: The "What's Going Right?" Practice
It redirects your threat-scanning brain toward safety-scanning
How to do it:
Set aside 5-10 minutes daily (mornings work best)
Ask yourself: "What is going right?"
Notice ordinary things working exactly as they should
Examples:
"My shower gave me hot water this morning—exactly as it should"
"My coffee pot worked—exactly as designed"
"The sun came up today—just as it always does"
"My heart is beating—doing its job perfectly"
Important: This isn't forced gratitude. It's simple acknowledgment. You're adding tiny safety cues to your nervous system so your body can recognize it doesn't need to be in survival mode right now.
Tool #2: The STEW Method
What it stands for:
Sensations - What do you notice in your body?
Thoughts - What's running through your mind?
Emotions - What are you feeling?
What do I need? - Based on the above, what would feel supportive?
When to use it:
Daily 10-15 minute practice to build mind-body connection
Anytime you feel triggered, activated, or stressed
The goal: Connect with yourself and feel just 1% better. That's it. No pressure.
Tool #3: Resistance Release Exercise
What it does: Helps you understand what your discomfort is trying to tell you about your authentic desires
How to do it:
Identify where you're feeling the most pressure in your life (work, relationships, daily routine, motherhood, expectations)
Feel it in your body. Where does it live? Chest? Throat? Stomach?
Get curious with it. Ask: "What are you trying to tell me? How are you trying to help me?"
Write down whatever comes up—even if it doesn't make sense at first
Example discoveries:
Pressure to keep a perfect house → Need for control in a chaotic life
Pressure to always be available → Fear of rejection or abandonment
Rushing and stress → Pointing toward what you truly want
Key insight: Your resistance is often pointing you toward your truth. The thing you're avoiding might be exactly what you need to move toward.
Your Action Steps This Week
If you're ready to start calming your nervous system, here's what to do:
✓ Practice #1: Every morning, spend 5 minutes asking "What's going right?"
✓ Practice #2: Do at least one STEW check-in this week (ideally daily)
✓ Practice #3: Set aside one hour for the Resistance Release exercise
Remember: These aren't magic pills. If you've been in survival mode for years, it will take time to retrain your nervous system. Be patient and compassionate with yourself.
You're Not Broken
Your nervous system is doing exactly what it was designed to do—protect you.
Now you get to teach it that you're already safe. That you're allowed to rest. That you're worthy of taking up space exactly as you are.
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