Your Trauma Response is Not a Character Flaw: Understanding Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn

Brooke Shoup
Nov 1, 2025
8 min read

What if the thing you hate most about yourself isn't actually you?

What if the way you shut down in conflict, or the people-pleasing you can't seem to stop, or that critical voice in your head that won't quit... what if none of that is your personality? What if it's not a character flaw at all?

Today, I want to share something that completely changed how I understood myself and I think it might change things for you too.

The Pain of Feeling "Broken"

Maybe you feel like something is fundamentally wrong with you. You're either too emotional or too withdrawn. Your relationships don't seem to work. You can't seem to keep it together the way other people do.

And maybe it feels like you have to pull away from people because you're convinced you're toxic. Like if they got too close, they'd see what you really are. So you put on a mask, you hide how you really feel, because you're terrified that your real feelings are too much.

But underneath all of that? There's a desperate longing to be seen. To be received. To have people who actually want to be with you.

And the worst part? You start to believe this is just how you are. That you're never going to feel okay. That you're stuck like this forever.

Maybe you've tried therapy. You've read all the books. You've prayed. You've joined support groups. And still, nothing seems to fundamentally change.

So you start to believe that your diagnosis is a life sentence. That the highest hope you have is to just "cope" or "manage" or maybe, on a good day, "feel okay."

If that's where you are right now, I want you to know that I've been there too.

My Story: From "Coping" to Actually Healing

Years ago, I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. And while it was validating to finally have a diagnosis, I was deeply discouraged by the help available.

All of the messaging around recovery was "cope with your trauma," "manage your symptoms," "deal with your issues." And I was hoping for a real solution.

I didn't want to be on medication for the rest of my life, and I didn't want to wear a trauma stamp over my head either. I wanted real solutions. I wanted to heal and flourish.

And then I read something that changed everything.

I picked up a book called "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker, and I learned something that brought real hope into my life for the first time.

Here's what I learned:

Fight or flight isn't just something we say when we're stressed. These are actual neurological states.

And when we're in a stress response for a prolonged period of time (especially in childhood) those stress responses become a part of us. They become a "home state" for our nervous system.

But here's what gave me hope: If a stressed neurological state created these behaviors and habits, then learning how to regulate my nervous system could help me change them.

My symptoms and my problems were not my identity. I could change and grow. I wasn't broken—I was stuck in a pattern. And patterns can be changed.

Understanding Stress States: It's Not "Just How You Are"

Here's the thing: So many of the behaviors and symptoms that come out of us—we're told that's just what we're like. "That's your personality." "It's just how you are."

I believed this for a long time too. But what if it's not?

What if the behaviors you hate, the patterns you can't seem to break—what if they're not character flaws, but stress responses?

Your nervous system has different states. Think of them like gears in a car. When you're safe and regulated, you're in one gear. But when your nervous system perceives a threat—even a threat that's not actually dangerous, it shifts into a different gear. A stress state.

And in that stress state, your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors all change together. They hang together in groups.

Now here's the really important part: When we experience chronic stress, especially in childhood when our nervous systems are still developing, these stress states can become our "default setting." They become the lens through which we see the world.

So that critical voice? That's not who you are—it might be a stress response that got wired in early.

That urge to flee or shut down? Not a character flaw. biut a survival pattern your nervous system learned.

The 4 F's of Trauma Response

We don't just have fight or flight. We actually have four main stress responses. Understanding which ones you default to can help you finally make sense of behaviors that have confused you for years.

1. Fight Response: The Critic and the Controller

Fight is an activated stress response, which means your body handles the threat by getting in motion and challenging it.

Common Fight Behaviors:

Being overly critical of yourself or others
Feeling defensive when someone gives you feedback
Being judgmental
Always needing to be "right"
Comparing yourself to others and putting people down
Controlling behavior
Rage that seems to come out of nowhere

In relationships: People with a prolonged fight response tend to use control to secure connection, and they go into rage to try to get to safety.

If this resonates, you might notice that when you feel threatened in a relationship, you come out swinging—maybe not physically, but with criticism, blame, or the need to win the argument.

2. Flight Response: The Perfectionist and the Busy Bee

Flight is also an activated stress response, but instead of challenging the threat, your body tries to escape it.

Common Flight Behaviors:

Perfectionism, trying to be flawless so you can't be criticized
Overworking and staying constantly busy
Over-exercising
ADHD-type behaviors, always moving, always distracted
OCD-like behaviors
Hurrying for no reason at all
Obsessive worrying
Chronic anxiety

In relationships: People with prolonged flight responses try to be perfect to earn connection, and they try to be perfect to stay safe.

If this is you, you might notice that when stress hits, you go into overdrive. You stay busy, you stay productive, because stopping feels dangerous. Rest feels like vulnerability.

3. Freeze Response: The Shutdown and the Disappearing Act

Freeze is different from fight and flight—it's an immobilized stress response. Think about an animal playing dead when threatened.

Common Freeze Behaviors:

Depression
Isolation—becoming a "homebody" who avoids social situations
Watching way too much Netflix or playing video games for hours
Needing to be alone—struggling to engage in relationships
Oversleeping
Daydreaming or dissociating

In relationships: People with prolonged freeze responses avoid connection as much as possible, and they hide to feel safe.

If this resonates, you might notice that when overwhelmed, you shut down. You can't move. You can't think. You just... disappear, even when you're still physically present.

4. Fawn Response: The People-Pleaser and the Chameleon

Fawn is perhaps the hardest to recognize because our culture actually rewards it. It's a stress response that's only found in mammals with attachment centers. It's a response that rejects the self in order to find safety in the group or relationship.

Common Fawn Behaviors:

Codependency
Struggling to have a sense of self
Can't make decisions without approval
Doing things you don't want to do or don't like, just to please someone
People-pleasing
Trying to make other people feel better so you can feel better

In relationships: People with a prolonged fawn response lose themselves in relationships, and they "grovel" to make safety.

If this is you, you might notice that when conflict arises, you immediately abandon your own needs and feelings. You become whatever the other person needs you to be, because your survival feels dependent on keeping them happy.

Why We Get Stuck (And Why That Matters)

Here's what I need you to understand:

First: You don't just have one stress type. We all have all of them. You might have a dominant one. One that shows up most often, but it's actually healthy to have access to all four. They all serve a purpose.

Second: Everyone likes to judge at least one of these stress types. Maybe you're judging fight right now, or you think fawn is weak. But the reality is, they all exist for a reason. They all kept us safe at some point.

Third: The problem isn't having these responses. The problem is being stuck in a pattern of response. When your nervous system can't shift out of fight, or can't access anything but freeze—that's when we suffer.

The 5th F Nobody Talks About: Flow

And that leads me to the fifth F that almost no one talks about: Flow.

This is the regulated state of mind. The state we were designed to be in when our needs are met and we feel safe.

In flow, you have access to what some therapists call "the C's of self":

Curious instead of judgmental
Compassionate instead of critical
Connected instead of isolated
Calm instead of anxious or activated
Courageous instead of afraid

This is the state where you can be present. Where you can think clearly. Where your relationships feel natural and reciprocal instead of threatening.

And here's what's so important: Flow isn't about being perfect or never feeling stressed. It's about having a nervous system that's flexible enough to move in and out of stress responses as needed, and then return to regulation.

It's about not getting stuck.

Your First Step: Notice and Name

So how do we move from stuck stress states to flow?

There's so much I could teach you about nervous system regulation—and we will go deeper in future content—but today, I want to give you one simple practice that you can start right now.

Start noticing and naming.

That's it. Just notice when you're in a stress response, and name it.

When you feel that critical voice getting loud, pause and say, "Oh, that's my fight response."

When you notice yourself overworking or getting obsessive, pause and say, "That's my flight response."

When you can't get off the couch or engage with people, pause and say, "I'm in freeze right now."

When you're abandoning your own needs to please someone else, pause and say, "I'm in fawn."

This simple act of naming creates space. It helps you disidentify from the emotion. Instead of "I am anxious" or "I am broken," you get to say, "My nervous system is in a stress response right now."

That's not who you are. It's a state you're in. And states can change.

The awareness itself begins to create flexibility in your nervous system. It's the first step toward regulation.

You're Not Stuck Forever

I know how it feels to believe you're stuck like this forever. To think that your diagnosis is a life sentence. To look at your behaviors and believe they're just "who you are."

But what if they're not?

What if the thing you hate most about yourself is actually just your nervous system doing its best to keep you safe with the tools it learned a long time ago?

You're not a character flaw walking around in human form. You're someone whose nervous system learned to survive. And now? You get to teach it how to thrive.

Ready to Go Deeper?

If you want to learn more about nervous system regulation and trauma recovery, I have two free resources for you:

🎁 Free Skills for Resilience Assessment - Identify the developmental skills that might be keeping you stuck in stress patterns. https://www.livingonpurposeconsulting.com/contact

📚 Mini Course: Purpose Without Burnout - Get complete nervous system education and practical regulation tools. Almost Ready! Just sign up for my email list in the form below for updates.

📺 Watch the Full Video - Prefer to watch? Check out the full video version of this post on my YouTube channel. https://youtu.be/O4pCMZT3G6s

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